Clients in couples therapy who progress well are those who are able to get out of the “I’m right. You’re wrong” mindset, and who take accountability for their respective part in the dynamic. One of my favourite books for Couples work is Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, as the chapters are easy to read and follow, and many practical tools are offered. A recommended exercise in the chapter entitled “Coping with your defenses” is for each partner in the couple system to become more self aware by identifying their defenses (refer below). (1A) For each defense used, (1B) what emotional pain was it covering up, i.e. hurt, anger, unworthiness, shame, fear of rejection, etc., and (1C) what was the cost of using that particular defense for you, i.e. partner turns away from you, or both partners become more distant, etc. McKay advises readers to focus on a defense that has a significant cost in the relationship, and to just work on one defense at a time, to set us up for success in practicing new behaviours.
AVOIDING — Turning away; Turning off; Triangulating (adding a third person to the relationship dyad); Addictions; Compulsive activity; Giving up
DENIAL — Showing nothing; Compliance; Competing; Boasting; Distracting; Forgetting
ACTING OUT — Attacking (verbal or physical); Passive aggression; Fault finding; Revenge; Demanding; Self-blame
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