In couples dynamics, when you notice that both of you are caught up in a looping cycle over and over again, it can be rather frustrating. You may be feeling out of sorts, overwhelmed, helpless. It is like being stuck out in a stormy sea without the compass and tools to navigate. In addition, each of you are likely experiencing some fight-flight-freeze reactions, due to an activated sympathetic nervous system.
When you review your situation once you are in a calmer state, much like watching a movie, you can get some insights. However, when you’re “in” the situation, it’s sometimes harder to see everything clearly.
Many years ago, while in graduate school, I attended John Welwood’s workshop. Author of “Perfect Love. Imperfect Relationships,” he shared how our consciousness is like the sunny blue skies. The clouds are akin to our defence mechanisms, our filters. In reality, the sun is always shining above the white, grey, or black clouds. We know this is the case when we are flying in an airplane.
Clear seeing requires a regulated nervous system, a centred and grounded self. When you engage a couples therapist, you are getting support to help you to reset and to slow down. We start to understand what the cloudy material is, without judgement. The cloudy stuff may be protective mechanisms or habitual tendencies which have their roots in the family-of-origin forest.
Couples work is very enriching as it can identify and dislodge some old patterning that is no longer serving you. Instead of pointing fingers, we can be curious about the weather patterns and the reactions, on both sides. When each partner takes accountability, and shows up authentically, the sunny blue skies are here, and the clouds are parting.
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